The following experiences had a profound impact on me and I would like to share them with you. However, this story will embarrass my mom. Nothing to do with her. If you read on, you’ll see.

I never want to get in a fight with someone who is either naked or only wearing briefs, known by younger generations as tighty whities. I know this because I saw it happen when I was in sixth grade after PE class. One guy was protected by his Fruit of the Looms (Michael Jordan was not doing Hanes commercials yet, so nobody bought those rags). I just realized something…why have I never considered the meaning of Fruit of the Looms? Have you? I just looked it up. Makes sense.

There really is no way to win a fight with a guy in middle school if you are uncovered. Maybe you can’t at any age, I really don’t want to ponder it or discuss it.

What I am sure of since that day is that I am not going to provoke anyone while I am not wearing clothes. And I have been pretty consistent with that guiding principle. I did get in a verbal fight with a guy in the locker room shower after college basketball practice. This came about because of another guiding principle…I will not stand by quietly while someone pulls a George Costanza in the shared shower. I don’t care where the pipes lead to baby! These drains don’t drain fast enough for me to allow that type of injustice.

(This is the point at which my mother stops reading disappointed and embarrassed).

So later, after another practice, a teammate was biting his toenails off. They were not the proper color for toenails either. We called the guy Pigpen and he was cool with that name. The Urinator (the guy that I argued with earlier) got mad at him and told him to stop. Man, I got fired up. He wanted him to stop chewing his toenails but was willing to pee in the community shower with the slow drains. We went back and forth about the level of wrongness of each action. My position was that if a guy wants to put his nasty toes in his mouth, he can because it does not impact anyone else directly. But relieving yourself in the shower pool was a horrendous injustice to a community.

Community is important. Don’t pee in the shower that other people are using. Don’t fight a naked person or someone wearing tighty whiteys. Those actions are really destructive to the fabric of a community. Eating your toenails is fine though.